im sitting here struggling, unable to articulate what is happening here in our lives. i am at a loss for words. i am so exhausted and overwhelmed by the dish life is serving up right now and i keep thinking i cannot keep doing this. you've seen me all curled up in my bed. thats all i can do.

today i got another blow. another surprise of the fuck you kind! somewhere, someone has their hand on the control and keeps upping the pressure. i literally can feel a welling up inside of me....it's not strength, it's not pride; i have complete frustration, anger and depression rising up and falling out of my eyes in the form of tears, a weight in my chest, a skipping heart beat....flopping around like a fish out of water. i feel nauseated. i cant stop crying. i am tired.

and just now i reached up to turn on the lamp and the bulb blew.