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Friday, November 02, 2007
she fell for me!
4:00 PM
one of my dinner companions last night was a woman (jane doe) who made me shoot liquid from my nose, clutch at my own sore abs in pain, hide my drooling and laughing face in my napkin as she regaled everyone at our table with stories of her practical jokes. when the stories started, she explained that she loved to scare people. i thought i could totally relate to her on this because i love to scare the hiccups out of my children and i fancy the creativity involved in devising a plan of attack! i have always thought this was a cruel practice for a mother to perform on her own children but this woman has me beat hands down with her antics! she falls. in public. falls! on purpose. all the time. she told of crashing down a staircase, landing on a rug at the base and sliding into the middle of a crowd of people. falling ungracefully face first onto a concrete floor. tripping and landing straight on her ass in front of a group of sorority girls. and all the time, screaming, reaching for her hip, claiming things are broken. i envisioned her doing these things and i wondered how she could possibly keep a straight face. how was it she was able to convince folks this was real. she said "maybe i'll have a little tumble for the new girl." she talked about walking up behind her employees when the room is too quiet and screaming in their ear. i got to hear about the time she pretended to cut off a finger and dropped a fake one to the floor at her feet with a plop causing stricken bystanders to sway with their faintness. once, when she was asked to model wedding dresses in a design show, she climbed the riser only to dive to the ground in a blur of white satin and lace yelling "uh oh". she shared with us a flight where she stumbled into a woman pressing her breasts into her face with a southern flutter of "oh my". as she told these stories she randomly meowed loudly and made farty noises with her mouth claiming tourette syndome. she caressed the waiter's bicep and fanned her self coquettishly. she sent her clams back to the kitchen stating she could already feel her face swelling just by being near them "i'm allergic...take these away!". did i mention that we were in what tallahassee refers to as one of it's "upscale" restaurants. 5 courses. different wine with each course. candle light. grapevine and floral center pieces... as we rose to leave and i turned to walk out of the room i heard this cacophony behind me. my spinning around revealed "jane doe" kicking her own chair out from under herself and banging the table as she slammed to the ground, moaning, wailing, repeating "oh my goodness, oh my goodness!" i was genuinely worried.... for a moment. Labels: date, falling, practical joke 2 Comments |
