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Monday, January 01, 2007
self-centered therapy
1:14 AM
so approximately one year ago (10.03.06 to be exact) i sat in my fsu therapist's office, a young newbie of a student therapist who spent more time flipping her hair, admiring herself in the two way mirror and listening to me make decisions and solve my own problems than anything else. i had continued to see her because i felt certain she was learning something from ME! I was showing her how to be a good a counselor and i would stop speaking about myself occasionally and allow her self to finish being self absorbed before i would continue with my life planning. (i know there is irony there) this particular day i came in with very specific goals, shared them with her and decided that i could accomplish one of the main ones centered around finances by never returning to pay her a weekly due. my goals were simply stated and the basis of most functional american lives but were also very foreign to me in that i have always managed to have someone in my life who handled the particulars of these things. i was all of a sudden, all at once determined to just make some things happen! i gave myself a time line. in one year i would be living independently in a house i have procured for my girls and i, handling all aspects of day to day financial obligations in a grown-up, nonostrichheadinthesand sort of way. i would have my own car that was reliable and like-able. i would be working full-time at a job that was fulfilling and enjoyable. i realized about two weeks ago that all those goals had been met and have been met with an ease and grace that i never knew was possible. thank god for self-therapy. this is the first new years eve that i spent away from my children and i had developed in my head a superstition of sorts that i needed to be with them at the start of the new year to ensure that they would be with me throughout that year. so...when the girls started to make their own plans i fought the instinct to smother them with my mama pillow and made them promise me that at the stoke of midnite they would think of me. no matter how random and fleeting, they had to think of me. even if it was "ok mom said i had to think of her so there it is, any way...." or "geez, why did she have to go and plant the seed that i have to think of her, now i cant even think of anything else". at midnite my phone jingled, it was raven, i said "hellllllllllo sweetness" and she said "i'm thinking of you". awwwwwwww. ok well it meant so much to me. i guess it just doesn't translate well. then moments later, the phone jangled again. it was chelsea. was she thinking of me too? yes, her thoughts were more along the lines of "well i'm not ready for her to pick me up yet, can she come a little later?" (that would be the however random and fleeting part) whatever, it made my heart swell with pride. i guess as the mother of adolescents, you take all you can get. i cant wait to see what this next year holds. i'm ready and i'll be making my goals. 0 Comments |
